So I finally have something to write about after not writing here in forever.

There's really no segue into this. I got a secret admirer letter. I am so baffled - it was sitting on the counter when I got home from being at the theatre/dinner/home depot with Kelli. I have no idea what to do with/about it. Hahaha - don't get me wrong, I'm ECSTATIC to have gotten it - just so confused. Anyway, it reads:

"Eric- [with a picture of a pin up sailor girl stitched on to the front]

I have a crush on you. [in cursive]

Happy Valentines Day

XO

Your
Secret Admirer"

I have a few ideas of people that it could be? And people that I would hope it is? But like, do I just say "hey are you my secret admirer?" lol I'm such a loser.

Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: "What If" - Rx Bandits

HAHAHAHA I NEED A BREAK.

FROM LIFE.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK.

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: "Me and My Old Lady" - The Offspring

Dear Journal,

I'm supposed to be on my way to see Streetlight at the Agora like I had planned all summer long. Instead I'm sitting in my parent's house writing on their old computer. I suppose it's my fault that I'm not going - I could go by myself. But I have class in the morning, I'm short on money, and my mom felt bad for me so she offered to put up the 20 bucks I spent on the ticket. At least I'll have the ticket to look at, and that's something, right?

I'm not sure why but lately I've been really...bipolar? I feel like whether I'm in a completely shitty mood or a great mood depends on the specific day. I don't have any constant backing to make me feel good or bad. Emotional limbo or some shit. I'm sure things will pick up eventually - I just need to quit being such a crybaby and a wimp and do what I know I want but am too afraid to follow through on. I'd be the most patient person in the world if I had the kind of patience I have with myself but with everybody else.

This is the first time I've written a journal entry since before I moved into Robot House, so I guess I should touch on that. It's been going alright - nothing to really complain about except for petty differences and misunderstandings. But isn't that the way most everything is? Every time I think about something that makes me mad at/about the house, though, I realize how much better it is than living in a dorm room. I don't have to put up with the drunken idiots next to me playing Guitar Hero (and sucking at it mind you) with their volume all the way up at 4 AM on a Saturday. I don't have to run outside because of fire drills/fuckfaces pulling the fire alarm. I have more room. I have a bed that I don't have to climb to. I can control the temperature of my room remotely or at all for that matter. I'm eating less and eating healthier. Pretty much everything is better all around and I enjoy that. Also more fun times have been had. 5/5 would recommend to friends.

tl;dr - somebody needs to kick me in the ass to get me moving. self motivation is never enough and I don't know why.

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: "Where's Teddy?" - Dan Potthast

So everything's pretty much moved in. I can dig.

I feel really strange and things, though - like I'm in a hotel and I'll be gone soon. I know that's not true, but that's how it feels, especially for now. I'm sure once school kicks in, things will be different. Speaking of which, I can't wait for more of my friends to start coming back to school - I want to go to comic club and see people in the art building and whatnot. I also can't wait for Ken to show up. He's the coolest.

I finally figured out how to burn DVDs that one can watch in a DVD player. It's pretty cool shit. This way people can actually watch movies that I've downloaded, namely Cashback, instead of me being like "HEY WATCH IT PLEAASE? HERE'S THE FILE HAVE FUN" and then they never watch it, which has happened on several occasions, mind you.

I guess I don't have much to say. I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Foxburrow Hot Tubs - "Ruby Room"

So who wants to go with me to see Streetlight at the Agora on October 12th? :< It's a Sunday

Current Mood: pumpt
Current Music: "Down, Down, Down to Mephisto's Cafe" - Streetlight Manifesto

Few things to talk about - completely unrelated as usual.

I got a call from Geneva yesterday - we worked out some shit, although it seems that it was mostly my shit that needed to be worked out. Although what was written in my last entry wasn't specifically about her, she was included in the few people I was talking about. I'm feeling better about moving in when I get back to school. It's so awkward writing about things like this when I know she's reading it - hey Geneva.

Speaking of moving back to school, I talked with Chris for a while yesterday, and it's good to have a little job security. Although being a janitor isn't top tier on the list of things I want to do, it will be guaranteed, close employment - maybe even just across the street. I'm still going to talk with Ali about getting me a job at Meijer (assuming she even still works there, assuming they're hiring, and assuming that they'll hire me at that location). Still, it's nice to know that I'll be able to have a job across the street that I can work short shifts everyday with and get some spending/saving money.

Apparently right after I had posted about Streetlight releasing their new album on Halloween, Tomas got on the website and wrote about how that's not true. Victory Records listed it in their press release about upcoming albums. Lord knows how they got that idea. I'm not expected the album somewhere in Summer 09 - but that's just because I'd like not to expect it earlier than it is. So that sucks, but in related, and better news, Streetlight is going to go on a quick US tour in October. I'm hoping they come to either Detroit or Cleveland, and that I can wrangle a few friends up to go to the show. If they don't go to either places, they'll be back in January - so it'll just be more waiting (OR MAYBE I CAN GO TO BOTH IDK).

Current Mood: good
Current Music: "F.O.D" - Green Day

I don't know exactly why, but I feel randomly compelled to write entries in my journal. I guess it's not a bad thing, but there's really no rhyme or reason to why. Oh well, here goes.

So PAX is a definitely no for me now. It kills me to say that because I wanted to go so badly, but it's almost impossible to swing something that expensive when I have no many other financial things to worry about. Even if plane tickets weren't as expensive as they are, I would be able to go, but when more than half of an entire trip is the plane ticket alone, that's fucking stupid.

The upside, I guess is that I'll have 800 dollars that I didn't plan on spending - the downside to that, though, is that I still need a new computer because this little piece of shit is not really going to cut it for anything that I'll want to do as far as art goes.

I don't know why, but working in the literal sense of working completely drains me as far as creativity goes. I have no desire to draw, no desire to do anything. I just want to sleep and relax. Not that art isn't relaxing, it just requires motivation which is something I don't have after washing dishes for 8 hours straight 3~4 nights a week.

I keep getting a really apprehensive feeling about moving into the townhouse when I go back to school. I know I'm friends with all the guys but I don't know how living with everybody, some more than others, will work out. I'm sure it'll be fine, but whatever.

I find myself saying that a lot lately - whatever. I don't know whether it's a sign that I've pretty much given up on caring or whether it's just the casual sort of apathy that I used to love about myself. Regardless of whether my feelings toward that have changed or whether it's something new, I don't really like it. I'd like to at least seem like I have some sort of opinion about things. Oh well.

I noticed I keep getting more random as far as subject matter goes with my entries. I'm also pretty disjointed as far as my thought process goes. I wonder if that's because of my long term state of mind or just because I tend to write these things at 3~4 AM while doing other things.

Streetlight is supposed to be releasing another album on Halloween 08 for those of you who have made it this far in reading or care about Streetlight Manifesto at all. I'm hoping the release date is for realsies and not some unrealistic optimism like the date for SitB was. I think the grand total on delays was about a year on that one.

I sometimes get knots in my stomach when I think about certain people. That could just be the spicy food and coffee from earlier tonight, though. I hope my feelings towards said people change at some point in time - and not just because I decide I can put up with more bullshit or because I stop caring about anything and everything. I hope it's because of a genuine change in heart and attitude - hopefully on both of our parts.

I think if I was any more vague with some of the things I say, it would be almost as bad as that other thing.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: "Thigh High Nylons" - Mustard Plug

It's almost 4 AM and I have to be up and at work at 11, then at the other job at 4. I basically will work from 11-11. Fun.

I got a haircut today. Nothing drastic, just shaping it so that it didn't look ridiculous. (note: I hadn't really done anything with my hair since I shaved it all off in October).

I can't help but feel ignored and abandoned lately. I don't really have any close friends that I can talk alone with very often without it being super awkward. I don't really have somebody that I can call and just talk about nothing with. I miss that. If I ever even did have that. I don't know any more.

Notice I only come here to emo out about shit. It's a wonder nobody reads or comments on it.

I'm such a fucking loser. I wish I had the money to be cool. I just barely made back enough money to pay my parents back for the computer that I got. Well, I haven't technically made it yet - I'll get ~50 bux from job 1 tomorrow and once I deposit it, I'll have enough.

I feel like I'm working my ass off for minimum wage, and everybody I know isn't in debt or is fortunate enough to have things that I don't. I don't know whether I should call that jealousy or envy or just self pity.

I want really badly to be able to go to PAX, but even when I'm working all the time, making $1200++ dollars to afford paying off my debt, everything to fly to Seattle and stay in a hotel room, and have enough money to start out in my appt thing...it really doesn't work out when you're only getting 7 dollars an hour. Not to mention the price of everything is fucking dumb now.

Whatever, blah blah blah, nobody cares. Not even me.

Current Mood: fuck
Current Music: "A Better Place, A Better Time" - Streetlight Manifesto

Earlier today, I had this huge train of thought that would have made a beautiful entry to post here on LiveJournal. Unfortunately, it was about 10 minutes before I went to work, which gave me no time to write about it and plenty of time to forget. Which I did. However, I feel compelled to write something in here so that maybe some remnants of what I had thought about earlier might slip through.

Speaking of work - I love working at this new restaurant a million times more than I did at Stockyard. Rich is still the owner and he's the same awesome guy that he was back at SM, but since this new place is so small and kind of on the outskirts of town, there's just a steady trickle of business. I haven't really experienced a rush yet - just a laid back environment where we sell food and people eat it. Plus, we make deliveries, which I get to do sometimes and get rich white people tips for driving less than 2 miles most of the time. It's a pretty good deal.

I start my other new job working at Rockne's tomorrow. I really don't want to go. Being surrounded by a bunch of people I don't know at a place where I'm not 100% on what I'm doing is always kind of shitty. Plus the fact that they close super late compared to Broad Street so I probably will go days without even seeing my family if I work 3-4 days a week there. Maybe I can get an afternoon shift and then a 5-8 thing going on at Broad Street. I don't know.

Speaking of tips and whatnot (forgive me, my thoughts are never connected and I never proof read anything) Justin, Ryan and I went out to Eat N Park like we always do when Ryan comes into town. There was this waitress, Lacey, who was working. She was working her ass off for $3.50/hr. With the late night shift, so almost no customers and no tips - she kept talking about how she would think karma would treat her better since she worked so hard all her life. She was about our age and out of school - I really have to hand it to her, she's a real trooper. I felt bad that she had to work a shitty waitress job and put up with all kinds of crap so I took all the tip money I made the day before from deliveries and left it on the table for her. I think we left around $15 combined on the table - I really hope that made her day, or at least showed her that karma does pay off every once in a while.

I spent much longer than I had planned writing this. I've got to work both jobs in 1 day tomorrow. I really hope having money is nice after I pay everybody everything that I need to pay.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: "Streetlights" - Dan Potthast

It's interesting (notice how I said 'interesting' and not 'weird' - it makes me sound smarter than I am) how the closer I get to being able to go home, the more I wish I could stay here. Home has so many great things that I'm looking forward to, but something keeps making me wish I could spend the summer here. I don't know what it is - in the end I think I'm glad to be going home. In the past month or so, I feel like I've gotten to know so many people so much better than I knew them before - it's odd that I knew them pretty much the entire year, but am just now getting to actually know them.

Money is a terrible terrible thing. I sometimes wish that we could live in a socialist society, but not in a real one - in the way that Marx had intended that socialism work. I would be able to go places and do things that anybody else would be able to do. No money necessary to do these things (or at least not any that I wouldn't be able to afford) It's interesting that I say this as an artist - something that really has no place in socialism. Oh well.

My eye has been twitching almost non-stop for a few weeks now. I know that's a sign of stress, but I don't know what I'm stressed about. Perhaps I have sort of a subconscious stress or a lack of stress relief that I am unable to identify.

Why is it that when I want something very badly through means by which might be embarrassing or might not turn out the way I want them to, I don't want to do what has to be done to get what I want? If anybody can follow that, kudos.

I thought I had more. Oh well.